How to interview your therapist: ten tips

Once you have shortlisted a few potential therapists and you need to select the lucky winner you will have to interview them. These are rules of thumb on how to go about it.
Bear in mind that no therapist is perfect, and if you think that you have found one who is, you are most certainly idealising the poor chap.

1. Just leave a message

Therapists don’t normally have secretaries or receptionists, and most of the time they are in sessions, so they will not pick up the phone. Unless you catch them in a break, when you call a psychotherapist you will almost invariably find an answering machine.

Rule number one is about not being phased by the answering machine message.
You will certainly spot a voice that is cold or warm, an efficient business-like message or a hesitant not-so-competent sounding message. However at this stage you should not take those cues too seriously: they are likely to be loaded with your projections, which means that you will color that absent voice with what you are looking for or dreading.

So my advice is to take note of your feelings but stay open and just leave your message: my name is so and so, I got your number from so and so and I would like to set up an appointment. Here is my number – and spell this clearly. Do not give a number where you don’t want to be called.
All this may seem like silly advice given by a four year old to a four year old, but it can be pretty nerve racking to embark on this journey, and this first little step is often more scary than one thinks.

2. How to set up your appointment

The therapist will then call you back. This time you can give a little more detail about what you are looking for, state in brief why you are seeking treatment and that you would like to meet once and take it from there. The therapist may or may not be taking new patients, and if she doesn’t she may ask if you want to be referred to someone else.

The call is not likely to be long but if you are in a public place and feel uncomfortable talking don’t just grin and bear it, you should say it is not a convenient time to talk and reschedule the call.
Once you have an appointment arrive at the door on time but not in advance. Your therapist is likely to have a patient before you, and may or may not have a waiting area.

3. Look out for: eagerness to show off

Looking casually at his bookshelf, you say: “you appear to have lots of books”.
“I have many more at home” he replies.
If your therapist is too eager to display his credentials, to list his achievements, to assure you that he will cure you, then beware, this is not a good start. Therapy has to be about you, not about him.

4. Look out for: eagerness to please

If your therapist is too eager to please you, if he tries to flatter you and goes out of his way to accommodate your needs for example in terms of fees and times, then this is also not a good sign. You need a therapist who provides a containing structure, and who can stand up to you, not someone who wants you to love him and be attached to him at all costs.

5. Look out for: insecurity and arrogance

I strongly suggest you are open about the fact that you are shopping around for a therapist, and that this is an interview for you as much as it is for your therapist. If anything else, this will enable you to see her reaction. If she is taken aback and feels undermined, if she looks hurt or reacts arrogantly or defensively and criticises your view of therapy, then ditch her.

6. Look out for: boundaries and excessive sharing

As you will get into the nitty gritty business of spilling your guts out and sharing your deepest thoughts and feelings with your therapist, you will want the space to be watertight. Nothing must spill out but also nothing must spill in.
Make sure you and your therapist’s social and work turfs are very far apart, that your families do not have any ties such as for example children going to the same school.

Your therapist’s private or family life should also not be in your face: if she practices from home, there must be separate entrances, and the chances of bumping into her family members, visiting friends or lovers should be reduced to a minimum - although I must say I find my encounters with my therapist’s cat very pleasant.
Watch out for excessive sharing: although you will likely be curious about your therapist’s private life it is inappropriate for the therapist to share too much information, if any.

“I am concerned about boundaries and bumping into your family” I once told a prospective therapist, and he said ”don’t worry, I only see patients at my home for emergencies, and there you may just bump into my wife, my 17 year old daughter or my dog whose name is Sheila”. That’s when you know you’ve got to run a thousand miles.

7. Look out for: exclusive school of thought

Personally I think that subscribing exclusively to one school of thought is a minus, because it can often be a sign of insecurity and it results in a lack of flexibility toward the client’s needs which can rarely be framed within one single type of intervention.
So I would go for a therapist who doesn’t subscribe to one school exclusively. This could be someone who defines themselves generically as a psychodynamic psychotherapist, or someone who tells you that they come from – say – a Jungian background but that they tend to be eclectic.
If it is you who in the first place are looking specifically for a certain type of therapy, such as for example behavioural cognitive therapy, then I would just check that the person does not bad mouth other methods.

8. Look out for: fees

Fees are important too. You need to have a clear idea what you are going to be forking out over the next few months or years. If the fees are too high for you, is there a sliding fee structure? And do you get charged when you cancel a session?
There are therapists out there who charge for every missed session, whatever the reason for missing and regardless of a timeous notice, and including all the sessions missed during the patient’s holidays.
The idea is that if you miss a session there must be an unconscious reason, and it needs to be addressed. Thankfully not all therapists believe that paying for the missed session is the only way to ensure that the issue is addressed.

9. Survey the therapy room

How does the therapy room look like? (see post Therapy Room)
Is it clean and tidy or is it a bit messy and lived in? Is it warm or is it clinical? Is it very personal or is it pleasantly neutral? And how comfortable is the chair? Does the light from the opposite window make you strain your eyes to see your therapist? Can you smell the perfume of the previous patient or sigarette smoke on your therapist’s breath?
If something of the decor and surroundings of the room does not make you comfortable, take note of that feeling.
I would say this should not be the only reason why you cross out that therapist’s name from your list, but if it adds up to other warning lights then make your decision accordingly, as you are going to be spending many hours in that room.

10. Check your comfort levels and trust your gut feeling

This is probably in the end what will drive you to choose or ditch a therapist.
How comfortable do you feel, what is you gut feeling on the space and on the person? If you don’t feel at ease, if something is unconvincing, listen to your feeling.
Remember that you are not – not only – judging the person, you are also looking for a good fit, someone with whom you feel naturally at ease. He may be a fantastic therapist, but for some reason he rubs you the wrong way.
If so move on, and don’t give up, don’t compromise because it’s not worthwhile: better cut your losses now and set an appointment with another prospective therapist.

© 2011 The Separate Room by Lo. All rights reserved.